The Bobbu

A Holy Embuggerance

Consequences of gay marriage for the benefit of the Church of England

When I wrote about the state of the world yesterday, a part of me wondered if I would be able to find enough bile to excrete something similar at any time soon. One would not want to become an untimely disappointment. At least, not when I’ve already cornered that niche in my sex life. So it greatly pleased me when this morning, the world provided me with a tale of stinking, rank humanity good enough to make anyone spew their disgust into the air. This tale comes from the Church of England.

You remember that one, right? The one founded upon one fat, rich bastard’s desire to have more wives than he can count on one of his stubby, syphilitic fingers? Oh, sorry, it’s unlikely the lecherous, self-interested bastard actually was syphilitic, according to modern historical sources – but he did kill two of his wives for not producing a male heir for him, so we can still safely refer to him as a bit of a cunt.

Anyway, getting back onto the dirty, roughshod path of the topic at hand – this ‘church’ is apparently banning any of their members from holding civil partnerships inside their places of ‘worship’.

‘What a fucking shock,’ is your reaction to this outrageous bit of homophobic inequality, I’m sure. The idea that an organisation that even pretends to follow a revolutionary spiritual figure with as much to say about loving ones neighbour and judging not lest ye be judged, would harbour such sickeningly immoral and hate-filled beliefs is beyond consideration, surely? Surely these people, when they came to consider how to respond to the new law stating that civil partnerships could be performed in places of religious significance (which, by the way, I don’t think we should have had to legislate, but apparently we do), would glance quickly through the New Testament of their favourite historically unsound collection of texts, judiciously collated and editted by a politically motivated Roman council. You would think that they would read the words of the founder of their religion (not the fat English ruler who started their particular brand of it, I mean the anarchist who got nailed to a tree by a political puppet for pissing off the existing religious elite) and see that love for ones fellow human should come second only to their love for the big bearded bastard in the sky.

But no. What they decided was a more relevant section of their sacred fairytale was a single line, buried amongst the instructions to burn witches, cast menstruating women beyond the city walls, and stone to death those who utter the name they made up for their deity. A single line that so many fuckheads found to support their own sexual insecurities that a whole philosophical apology was formulated around justifying it.

No-one tried to justify why Jehovah was so outraged by our eating certain shellfish or wearing clothes of mixed material, but otherwise smart people spent perfectly good time when they could have been shagging in the pursuit of rationales for why two blokes couldn’t enjoy rogering each other silly.

But you know what? This legal idiocy isn’t even entirely their fault. No, the church is not the only bunch of immoral sewer-dregs who can be called to task on their response to this new law. Because, my pretties, they are well within their legal rights to refuse to permit thise dirty homos from gretting hitched on their land. Do you know why? Because the law itself is a senile, decrepit dinosaur.

Our government will not yet allow people of the same gender to actually get fucking married. And because same-gender marriage is outlawed but civil partnerships aren’t, under the law they are different things – which allows churches to decide if they want to allow civil partnerships on their own. This is not something they can be trusted to do, clearly.

Yeah, that’s right; I would be well within my rights to have a legally recognised, binding contract of partnership with my huge-dicked boyfriend, just as my girlfriends could happily go off and become one being with four breasts in the eyes of the law. That’s all very well and good. But just say we were stupid enough to think that it mattered what an entity supposed to have created the universe thought of our union. For a moment, suspend your disbelief that the management of the whole of creation doesn’t have better things to do than to give their blessing to a couple of humans who want to pretend they’ll spend forever together. Actually, fuck that- just see this issue for what it is: an infringement of the freedom of two consenting adults to do something that causes no harm to any other fucker.

Yeah, that’s right, the government says that the religions – yep, all of them – hold a monopoly on the concept of marriage. They uphold in law the idea that I cannot actually marry someone else who has a permanently attached penis between their legs, because marriage is a sacred sacrament that only ends in divorce most of the time, so it apparently still has a little validity in it’s ancient, property management-oriented form.

Get your sanctimonious drivel out of my secular legal system, you ungracious, bigoted, whore-mongering fucks.

Marriage is only allowed within religion, and yet it doesn’t matter which? If you’re going to be discriminating little shit-worms, why not go the whole way and define marriage as a solely christian ceremony, and other religions are only recognised by law, not any deity? Go on, you hate-filled, pus-drooling arseholes, say what you really want – announce that the only right way to live is as husband and wife, with two point four under-educated children, a car, a soulless job and a foreign maid you can blackmail into sucking you off every now and then.

You know why I still couldn’t marry my boyfriend, even if I actually wanted the approval of the dickhead who’s apparently to blame for this sick existence? The people in charge of the laws of this country don’t believe one iota in equality. They don’t give a flying fuck about religious freedoms, about your sexual orientation, or about what any of the flying spaghetti monster’s rivals think. If they do have any remnants of goodwill in their cold little lizard hearts, it is overwhelmed by lust. All they really care about is what policies will keep them in power, wealth, expensive food and prostitutes. Right now, those policies have to keep the fundamental religious cunts happy – particularly the christians of the  Church of England.

Get the money out of politics, and you might just start to see some movement towards equality. Turn the politicians into servants of the public instead of prostitutes for the corporations and organised religions, and there’s a vague possibility that you might see the laws of this country begin to veer towards the just. Then again, you might just find that no fucker wants to run this giant steaming dump of a country if you don’t pay them the wages of a small African nation.

So we don’t have as much money as the churches do. Even I don’t have as impressive a collection of stupid hats as the pope can afford on his enormous finances, squandered and stolen from charity donation boxes world-wide. So the only way we can force the law-makers to actually make legislation that stands up for equal freedoms, and against the shameful beliefs of the child-fucking homophobes, is to take away their power if they don’t support our freedom. That, ladies, gents, boys, girls, agendered people and folks in between – that is our power, and if they could take it away from us without a violent uprising, they would.

So next time you hear some politician rambling about religious freedoms; or telling us that we can’t force the ignorant cunts with their gold crosses and crescent moons to stop being bigotted shits; or simply saying nothing when they should be fighting for the rights of their populace to define their relationships however the hell they want – you step up to them, look them right in their reptilian eyes, and tell them they won’t get your vote. You tell them you’ll use the only power they give you in this shitty system to tear down their mansions, rip away their millions and send them spinning off into obscurity.

Watch them shake in their designer boots the next time the nation gets a chance to speak, and they wonder if they’ve done enough of the right thing to cling on to their precarious positions of power.

If they haven’t, and you swathes of ignorant masses vote them back into their seats, then while they sit smugly and unsuspecting on their shitty thrones of immorality, I’ll sneak up on them and bugger them with a frozen turd.

Now, please excuse me while I find a video of a man fucking a goat to masturbate to. I’m told by those that I suspect have a severely deficient frontal lobe that if we allow two consenting adults to marry each other then it’s a slippery slope towards letting a consenting adult marry a non-sentiant animal that is clearly incapable of consent: I want to get ahead of the game.

Published December 5, 2011 at 10:59 am